Saturday, December 5, 2009

The perils of saying yes

Dear Self,
The next time someone comes up to you and says, "Wow, those (insert handmade yarn goodness here) are lovely, will you make some for me?", please dear girl, just smile and say, "Nope, Fru 2010 is a selfish knitter & only knits for others if the mood strikes her. You cannot hire her, tempt her, bribe her with glitter, you cannot pay her off in yarn pron or monies, she will not do it."

Between the new Wii (hello Wii Fit is hella awesome) and the booties I am making, there are not enough hours in the day. Not enough time to read, rest, play the Wii, attempt to get my gaming mojo-jo-jo back, read podcasts, stalk people on facebook, knit socks to train up my assassin skills for Sock Wars, and crotchet.

Really, this is my fault. My inability to say "no" or "hell no" and to overextend myself comes from a few things that I've become very aware of lately:
  • I am still not used to people really loving the handmade things I create. And seriously, this makes no sense to me b/c if I make you something handmade, and you don't squee with delight, I'm probably going to get pretty quiet and then never EVER make you something handmade again. For example, BabyBro got jealous last year because I made AwesomeTash some slippers. His were not as nice as hers. All year long I have heard, "you're gonna make me some socks, right?". Yes, sweet babybrother I am because you get it and appreciate handmade goodness. But on the other hand, like at KayKay's shower, people told me repeatedly how cute my knitted turtles were and I was uncomfortable. Makes no sense to me at all.
  • In my professional gig of being a therapeutic ninja, I am swamped. I am getting better at saying "No" or "that's not possible" or "No, I cannot take on anymore people" but the perils of being in private practice is that it's just you. So when you get a request for an affidavit, a case consultation, a messed up insurance remit, a need to refer someone to a higher level of care, it's all on you, sweetcheeks. And in some cases, if you do say "No", you lose business. I'm working on getting okay with this too. But show up at my office and tell me that you think I'm an expert and you need to get my feedback on something and I get all squirrely. I become very uncomfortable, uneasy and untethered inside. I don't know if it's Imposter Syndrome that just is chronic or if it's the fact that I truly try to remain humble and do the right thing. And being humble and doing the right thing, in my opinion, doesn't make me an expert on anything beyond me, and on some days, that's even questionable. Either way, I try to remain teachable...the minute I stop learning, I stop living in my humble opinion.
And y'all know I love me some knowledge and adventures and I think it call comes down to this:
  • Even with this new podcast, I'm still not used to the awesome comments, notes, and reviews that I've received from people I've never met before.
  • Even with my handmade crotchetds and knits, I am not used to people saying things like, "You are so creative" or "that's so awesome".
  • Even in my teaching H20 aerobix, I'm not used to hearing, "Great workout, I really enjoyed your class today".
  • Even in my work, I still have difficulty in accepting compliments about my presence with other people.
Maybe it comes down to simply this: I am hardwired to undervalue myself. Sure some of it has to do with my life experiences, but some of it has to do with also years of me saying yes for the wrong reasons and resenting like hell myself for it. So...I'm working on it...that's all I can say...and that Fru 2010 will NOT make handmade stuff for you unless she really wants to, and will NOT brush off any compliment you give her. She may look uncomfortable but she will keep her eyes open, mouth shut, and accept whatever fabulous things you have to say about her or her work or her class or her podcast or her handmade goodness.


puggerhugger said...

you are soooooooooooo glittery fab. glam glammity glam fab! I love ewe! ps: I bought crafty chica glitter for Santa. purple.

Lisa said...

I love this post!! Love your honesty and genuineness..
I wonder if it's also a sense of humility? I get the undervaluing thing..I do that too...yet I also feel humility in my work and life..

Whatever it is,,,I get you!!