Ill at ease (back in town)

So a friend asked me yesterday how my visit was down on Hilton Head. I started to say "great.." but the truth is that I found much of my time, I was ill at ease. Anxious. Perhaps it was my senses registering the surroundings without my grandfather there. Maybe it was the living room minus the organ my grandfather used to play on. Maybe it was crafts, knitting patterns, and projects strewn around the place, all objects symbolizing my grandmother's attempts to go on with life..minus her partner of 58 years. Sigh...maybe it was just sadness but also joy that I knew my grandfather. I knew his personality, his quirks, etc. I got a lot of time with him, and for that I'm so very, very grateful. My grandmother found me watching the History Channel, and she said, "You're definitely your Grandfather's granddaughter!". I think it was the highlight of my day.

So I'm back in Colatown. Feeling rested, but also expecting the other shoe to drop. I know, I know..I'm seeing my therapist next week to deal with this. I'm so used to "armoring-up" that when peace comes...when the bills are paid, we both are working, everyone is healthy...it's almost unnerving for me. I don't want to be one of those people!

I had time, glorious time, to meditate and write in my journal on the beach at Dolphin Head. I'm working on being positive. I just finished Eat, Pray, Love by Liz Gilbert and it has inspired me. I started Zumba aerobics yesterday through Palmetto Health. Think salsa dancing with an aerobic flair. It was fun, low impact and it felt damn good to move again. Palmetto Health also did an awesome thing and partnered with the Y. So I've decided to join b/c believe it or not..it's cheaper for me to go to the Y, and do their group aerobics than it is for me to cart my butt halfway across town to do Jazzercise 2-3x a week. And the kewl thing about joining through Palmetto Health, is that there is no contract. So if it sux, it sux and I can quit...and go back to carting my butt across town to do Jazzercise.

Also, I threw up to the Universe last week that I needed help. I asked the Universe and my Higher Power for the following things:

• No more clients. I will take only clients that I like and want to work with. The universe challenged me by sending me a new referral every day of the week last week. I stuck to my guns and referred them elsewhere. But it was very scary to do...
• Especially since 3 of the 5 people I was to see today have rescheduled or canceled. The cynicist in me is saying, "See..this is what you get for being picky...you should have been grateful and just taken what you can get. " I'm working very hard to tell that cynicist to shut her pie hole. Maybe it's the universe telling me that 2 days off wasn't enough and I needed more time.
  
• No more negative energy. I have asked my HP to limit anyone who is toxic in my life. And it's working. I've also asked for help in being kinder to myself. Kinder in the choices I make regarding my schedule, kinder in the words I say to myself, and kinder in the choices I make whenever I'm eating. That is taking time but I think it may be working.

So that's where I am this AM. Happy to be home with the fuzzy kitties on an overcast day. Maybe I really did need more time off....