Sadness + Fear = A very very tired girl

Yesterday, I vented onto my blog and then decided to take it down and delete it. It was basically me yelling at my Higher Power and telling Him just how mad I was at him. Sigh..Thank Goodness He's used to humans who think they are entitled and can dictate the terms in which life occurs for them.

I'm trying not to be bitter, angry, pissy, or scared. But I also realize that I was functioning under the expectation of ,"Surely, with this being the shittiest year, I will have grace over the holidays. I will have peace, rest, and no stress". And since the beginning of October, that had been true. I had cut back on my work schedule, put some boundaries in place to take care of me, and tried to enjoy life instead of expecting the other shoe to drop.

So when I got the call that my Gramma King had fallen and it appeared that may have had a mini-stroke, I was okay. Until last night, when I was told that the CT scan says that there was no stroke, but Gramma is still not herself. And then I was told that Grams will have to go into a nursing facility for skilled nursing care. And I put those statements together and realized that my Grams would be spending Christmas in a care facility. And well..it just broke my heart. And made me give the finger to my Higher Power.

My Grandmother lost her companion of 58 years in March. She's spent a lot of time showing her independence. For someone who's almost 80, she still drives herself to her job at Michaels. She does TONS of knitting and crocheting classes at Michaels. She made all of my prom dresses, except for one. When you go to her house, there's knitting patterns, projects, and needles every where. She's stayed pretty darn active. But with her arm broken, she can't knit. She probably won't be able to drive. I guess what I'm fumbling through here is the sadness of seeing someone's life change drastically. And she's a hellcat..she won't go quietly. She's going to put up a fight against anything that limits her independence.

So Happy Holidays. I will try to keep the venom of my bitterness in check but it will be hard. I will still chock 2007 up to the shittiest fucking year I've ever had. And when the ball drops for next year, I'll hope like hell that next year is different.